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  • Andy Borowitz

Storied Waters Tour Postponed Until February

NEW GLOUCESTER- Just hours after a festive send-off party yesterday, reality came crashing down on David Van Wie, forcing him to postpone the much anticipated Storied Waters Tour indefinitely due to a self-regenerating and ever-expanding “honey do” list.

“Wow, I only have four days before I leave, and somehow the list just keeps getting longer,” said Van Wie. “I was cleaning up from the party and glanced over at the list. I was shocked to see that it had grown to five pages overnight. I don't get it; how can that be? I had it down to about a half a page on Friday.”

Van Wie claims that many of the original items on the list were fairly simple, including taking an old couch to the dump and changing snow tires over to summer tires. Other items crossed off the list included touching up some trim paint that didn’t get finished last fall and putting some shelves up in the basement, he reported.

Sounding a little frustrated, Van Wie explained, “So today, I looked at the list and not only does it include ‘paint the house, remodel the downstairs bathroom, and put up three cords of firewood,’ which weren't there yesterday, but the scope seems to have expanded. There are a few pretty ambitious tasks on there now. I didn’t expect to see ‘halt climate change, eliminate racism, and impeach Governor Lepage’ I mean, that’s a lot to do by Friday,” he noted.

Van Wie now projects that the Tour launch date may be sometime mid-February, if he can get some friends to help him out with the list. "I don't know what bugs will be hatching in February, but I guess I will find out," he groaned.

When asked about the growing list, David’s wife, Cheryl Bascomb, had a hard time suppressing a smile. “Yes, he’s done a great job with the list. So far. I hope he can get most of those items finished before he goes. Six weeks will be a long stretch for me to hold down the fort by myself. We have to get this house, and this planet for that matter, in order.”

“I try not to nag,” she added with a sly wink. “Usually, I just remind him about things every six months or so. But with the trip on the horizon, I started to see some real progress. My strategy seems to be working.”

(c) 2017 by Not The News Satirical Broadcasting Company, Inc.

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